I have never been #happy
. And everything is getting worse with every passing year. Some years are terrible, #2013 was awful for me, #2014 and #2015 were worse. No year has been good. #1971 to #1988 were awful. My dad was #drunk
the entire time. I managed to graduate High School, but it didn't really matter. I got out of the house as fast as I could. I somehow managed to land a "real" job in #1989. I didn't know at the time, but it was just a 40 year old guy who wanted to have sex with me. As it became increasingly apparent that I wasn't going to have sex with him, my salary dropped and dropped until one day, after I had finished automating everything I did (that I didn't know was worth millions of dollars), I got the first, "Well, I think it's becoming obvious that this work situation can't work out..." conversation. That was #1990. And the rest of the nineties were really not good. I just got poorer and poorer. I couldn't hitch together a college degree. This was at a time when college was $1200 a year.
It all fell apart because I didn't have $60 for a parking pass
. For real. And I couldn't get to classes consistently. #1997 was a near suicidal year for me. By #1999 my position was terrible.
Real poverty. Teeth falling out, that sort of thing.
And the main problem was that #anxiety
were "wreaking havoc" on my #sleep
cycle. There was no cycle really. If I say... got a job, as the first day approached, I might be going to sleep at four in the morning and waking up at noon. Now, I would try to go to sleep earlier, but it doesn't work. It simply does not work. I was "disciplined." I had a dark room. It was somewhat quiet. I would lay there from say... midnight until 05:00. I don't know if you have ever experienced trying to force
yourself to sleep, but it is unpleasant. As the night rolls on and you are not sleeping, your body starts... panicking somehow? It's odd. But I would be frozen and awake. It's very much like a panic attack. So at 05:00 I would not be able to take it any longer and I would get up, move around, eat, and pass out at like 07:00 and then sleep. I'd wake up at 15:00 well rested. And I would try to force it a few more times. And it does not work.
And in that state, my first day of work arrives! I show up. I'm tired. I am groggy. It doesn't really matter if it's my first day or not, because within a few weeks, this will happen. And people who get to be bosses, they don't like this, and they always assume immediately
that the cause is drinking or doing drugs. "Rough night, eh?" And there's no way out of this. If I lie and say, "Yeah, I was out drinkin' with my buds!" then they say, "Keep it on the weekends." If I say, "No. I don't drink," this is somehow much worse.
Eventually, I get the conversation. There is no way to adjust or make up for anything. I couldn't stay later and do more work. I couldn't prove that I was getting the job done despite being a few minutes late in the morning. No one gives a shit. Why should they, really?
So that's what #1999 through #2001 was like. In early #2002 I moved to Los Angeles. It was... bad. I couldn't hold a job at home, but in Los Angeles! Jesus Christ! The insanity
of workplaces out there! Every job was the same... 17 hour days that consisted of doing absolutely nothing at all
for 15 hours, and two hours mixed in there in little batches of frenzied, demonstrably panicked "work theater." Everyone else was doing coke and speed. Everyone else was twenty three years old and had a trust fund, or they were 40 and they were in a Union of some sort. Nothing mattered. Everything was theater. Anyway...
I left LA in #2005 and came to #Tucson
, which I hate. Every year of my life here has been miserable. Some have been far, far worse than others. Nothing has been good. No consistency. I have no #friends
here. My life is absolutely pointless, and frankly, absolutely nothing interests me. There's nothing I want
to be doing. And nothing is worth
doing. It is inconceivable that anything is worth doing.
I hate everything and everyone. And I can't imagine a reason why I wouldn't. I don't find there to be anything at all worthy of redemption among people. Most of them are absolute fucking morons, and they are still the smartest animals in the Universe
as far as we know. But intelligence, grace, beauty and poetry are absolutely fucking meaningless. And we are going to keep gobbling up the planet until we are irretrievably fucked and there is no way out of it.
But even if we catch a break and do the big turnaround (which is not going to happen, not a fucking chance), there is nothing left in the game for me.
Nothing good can happen to me for the rest of my life. Nothing good ever happened and it's been all downhill from there. I started at zero and it's been all downhill.